Chapter 20 – White Squalls

God Sustains and Comforts

Psalm 55:22

“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.”

Psalm 73:26

“My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”

2 Corinthians 1:2-4

“Grace be to you and peace from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

It was a beautiful morning with soft puffy white clouds strolling across the vivid blue sky and song birds were singing in the coolness of the day. I had spotted a handsome red-tailed hawk sitting high on top of a structure which brought a great smile to my heart. The air was fresh and had the lightest breeze that made the sun's warmth feel that much more welcome. We had just left an early morning service on New Year’s Day and were making our way slowly to the car. The text came in at the same time we heard the happy sounds of a passing quail family on its ways to the open desert nearby...

It was from Jose. My Marmi had lost her footing, fallen, and he had taken her to the hospital. Peter and I hugged and immediately prayed, then headed straight home. Peter drove the car and I texted Jose that we would call as soon as we were at our house. Once I had a nose count and knew the furbabies were safe and sound, I took a prayerful deep breath and then Peter and I placed the call to Jose. Kaiyah was resting quietly near us in the living room.

God’s Grace. We carefully listened to the events of Marmi’s legs giving way under her going down the exterior stairs to place some trash in the can below. She was unable to move them and notified Jose with her little red cell phone. He had rushed over, found her sitting on the stairs, tried to help her stand and when she couldn’t he dead lifted her into his vehicle and rushed her to the emergency. They were running tests including an MRI, but she was as ok as she could be - and holding onto Jesus with all her heart.

This was serious news to process. I needed to hear my Marmi’s voice. Jose said as soon as he had the room number and details for me he would let me know right away. I knew that I needed to fly out to be with her as quickly as possible. We were thankful Jose was there and took care of her the way he did and to watch over things until I could get out there.

I felt winded, as if Kaiyah and I had just run across broad desert and then hiked up and over a craggy faced mountain. Peter and I talked quietly, prayed some more, and went about doing what we needed to do to line things up for my trip out and to notify his family. There was a lot to work through emotionally but that would have to come later. I had to go over the details about caring for our animals and our house and everything that goes with taking care of them with Peter. Everything was still pretty new for us.

The relief I had hearing Marmi’s voice was enormous. She shared all that had happened with us and was thankful for Jose’s help, she marveled how he just picked her right up and got her to the hospital and without the cost of an ambulance. Her humor was still solid; that was good. She shared some of her fears and concerns and we called out to the Lord. We ended the call with her reminding me to give her love to her Kaiyah and the kitties.

Walking back into my parent’s home and the life of my Marmi for those months ahead came with an overwhelming weight - especially when the reality began to sink in that I was literally walking the end of my precious Marmi’s life with her... But for all the love that was in that home there was also much hurt, fears, and many tears. I had many memories awakened that were long hidden and now those too had to be sorted and the emotions to go with them. The God of All Grace never leaves or forsakes… never.

I knew my Lord Jesus is the eye of my storms and He is my Sustainer. He knew full well my life was seeing one surge after another and that time and loss would be the White Squalls that would come down on me with full weight of wind and wave and left me in a state that would take years to come out of. He did Faithfully Provide everything my Marmi and I needed to endure and persevere through that leg of our journey together. My LORD saw to it that Marmi’s dignity and faith would be protected and that she was not alone. He was her strength and gave her courage to trust Him to be her portion even though her flesh and heart were failing from multiple health complications. Peter was taking care of our lives back home and had come out two times bringing his strength, love, and tenderness to both of us.

I am ever grateful that Peter’s family supported with prayer and care. His mom and dad would make the personal investment and sacrifice to have his mom be at our home for a time and even have her come out to experience Marmi and Pops’ home and to travel back with me. Two friends unexpectedly reached out to me via the phone out of the blue when I needed a word of encouragement, which they never usually did. Papa God Provided extra attentive care through her last days in a cozy hospice home environment with 24-hour care that also allowed me to bring her kitty Buddy to visit her; and for us to share those incredibly special final moments... In His Thoughtful Kindness He even Sent Marmi... a special snow the week she passed away...

Marmi loved storms especially snow storms and the great storms over the ocean. She was born in a snow blizzard and went to sleep in Jesus, almost to the day of my Pops three years earlier, in the soft hush of falling snow… dreams of snow. And He Held me when other unexpected bombardments showed up during and after Marmi’s passing that year. It was like no other time I’ve experienced. The full testimony of this facet of my life and history are to be carefully shared at another time.

White squalls are sudden windstorms of great velocity, force and violence occurring over the ocean creating white caps of enormous tumultuous waves or near bodies of water with extremely heavy snow; both scenarios without warning and without dark clouds. The analogy of both of these squalls hit me square during that time...

Thankfully Peter’s Mom and I made our special return migration back across the country safely with many new memories that I will ever hold dear. We were warmly reunited with family and by the sweet faces of Kaiyah, Pumpkin and Gideon. I felt totally lost and numb but grateful. My sweet Kaiyah looked at me very intently and waited. I went over to love on each of those precious little souls petting them and apologized for being gone so long. My heart was broken and was still breaking as I tried desperately to find the surface from under the depth of the “waters” that had fallen on me. It would take time….and God would Sustain me.

My little husky seemed to know I was struggling and appeared to be pondering what to do with the “snow storm” I had just been through and, in her own way, started to focus on digging her furmommy out from under the aftermath of that “snow squall”. When we sat alone she would be right by my feet and would lower her head looking gently at me and not square in my eyes but would wait there quietly until I would acknowledge her or pet her softly on her ears. She was not one to cuddle or ask for pets so that was unusual for her to do. Of course, going on mission hikes was important and I let her wander wherever she wanted for as long as she wanted. She would often stop and look at me and wait for my recognition and then got right back to it with a “mush” pull here and a “mush” pull there.

Most of the time I could not cry - the depth of things were beyond anything I could fathom, but on rare occasions out there in the desert with the Lord and Kaiyah, I would pour out my heart and weep. She was patient and often looked rather worried. I remember realizing that Kaiyah was trying to “pull or mush” me out of that “snow” by keeping me going and getting me to interact. She was asking me to play. When that donned on me it struck me that she was doing to me what I had done with her all those years prior when I first rescued her and she was literally ministering it back to me her way. That was an incredible realization for me and I was deeply touched by her loving work to help “rescue” me. It would be quite the process but it had begun...

Gideon and Pumpkin were doing their part too. There was and is always much to be thankful for and to give to others, and I still am - by God’s Grace and hopefully according to His Will, to this day. Peter and I were also working to find our way through everything together and with the LORD being our Refuge and Strength our very present Help in trouble. It was a perfect time to remember and hold fast to the memory of the sound of Marmi’s voice singing while playing her Wurlitzer upright piano to one of her favorite Passages from Psalm 46:1-3, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.”

No more owies, no more pain, no more hurt, no more worry-worry fret-fret, no more fear, no more sorrow, no more grief for Marmi…and my Pops….

…Until we meet again…