Chapter 26 – Withheld

God Whom I Trust

Psalm 34:17-19

“The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.”

Proverbs 13:12

“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.”

Isaiah 41:10

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.”

So many wonderful hopes and dreams we can have in this life and the ones that seem to be the most within reach can be the hardest to obtain. It was that way for Peter and I in regards to having children. A new year had arrived but that one would come with a double loss for us. We would both endure it differently but certainly the losses buried both of us in a very private inaccessible level of deep pain that placed an emotional chasm between Peter and I that far exceeded the span of distance and time away with his work travel. But our love did not wax cold nor did it fade. The fiery afflictions would ultimately deepen our trust in the Lord and would strengthen our marriage and personal testimony.

I had begun to feel that unusual out of sorts feeling in my body and the changes that go with them in late winter. Kaiyah once again began to show more direct attentiveness and protective behavior toward me. Pumpkin and Gideon once again wanted to be extremely close and purred all the time they were nearby. I had mixed feelings about telling Peter as we had already lost one precious baby. I proceeded to go about life quietly and prayerfully...

Kaiyah did her liftie paw gestures often during the carriage of our second baby. I began to have hope this little one would come to full term. I couldn’t believe the baby left us just before telling Peter that June. It was the same month almost to the day that we lost our first one. I was left dizzy with sadness and the numbness set in adding to my existing complicated grief. I finally did share with Peter and he was quiet and clearly brokenhearted. He also was quite concerned for me... Neither one of us knew what to do with what we were and were not feeling at that time. Life had to go on and we had zero time to process together. My body was swirling with hormones and changes and no baby to hold.

Kaiyah and I kept our routine locked in place but life outside my soul seemed unreal, distant and uncaring. I felt alone - very alone. Kaiyah asked to walk more often and asked to play our little interactive mush games and tailie chases, but my heart wasn’t in it... but I tried for her sake. Finally one day, she just sat down and looked at me intently waiting for a response. I went to her, squatted down and stroked her soft warm ears and told her I lost another baby. As I said it out loud the tears that came were few and I could barely breathe; it sounded far away and small. I felt faraway and small.

Peter and I kept our marriage under protective watch knowing we were unusually vulnerable. We did our best to be kindly toward one another and understanding. Words were few in our prayers but they were very deeply compressed. We assured each other that Papa God received the zip file of our hearts and would take care of everything somehow and in some way.

When autumn showed itself in full color I had all the signs that a baby was developing again but this time I chose not to say a word and my prayers were silent but long. Again I held onto hope and believed by faith the Lord had a plan. Would this plan allow us children? My Heavenly Father Knew my heart’s desire and Peter’s. He was there the many decades before when I was but a little girl telling Him that I wanted to be a mommy. He knew how overjoyed I was at the birth of my little brother. Marmi knew I wanted to be a mom too although I never asked for baby dolls but rather stuffed animals. And when my younger brother was born she told me he was my live baby doll and I loved him as if he was my own. The Lord had to have heard that longing in my heart. And I was again surrendering my will. Only God Truly Knows what is best….

As I walked our lovely new home with all the potential for a growing family; I remembered the many years I would buy little olde-world toys, Jesus-centered and wholesome books and videos, and baby things for them, praying for them and also for the man the Lord would have for me to be their Daddy, if it was in His Will. It took many years for Daddy to arrive but he was worth waiting for and all those hopes for those little ones had been built over a lifetime. I was much older than I had thought I would have been but God is not limited by such things; and yet I had a fatigue inundated surrender that had set in after our recent loss. The precious third baby did not come to full term either and I was left with those terms to deal with and so was Peter. And we knew what that meant for our extended family as well. Our desires for children would not become trees of life and our hearts were sick from that deferred hope. In time we would ask the Lord for His Desires to become our new desires and for new hopes.

I never asked the Lord “why” about any of the things I’ve endured as I genuinely ultimately trust His reasons for allowing what He does as He is God, all Knowing and Wise. I have walked my journey reminding myself and others that He is Faithful and He is Good. There is no evil in Him and that is the Truth. My hopes, our hopes were crushed. I had no idea how to heal from that and everything else I was dealing with, how to find my voice again, how to sing and play the hundreds of songs He had placed in my heart for years and years, how to live again knowing what my purpose was and who I was meant to be, how to be a wife to my husband who was hurting in ways that were way beyond my reach, how to keep trusting the Lord I loved and I knew Loved me and yet He let those many things happen to me and to others I loved. He allowed it all… and He allowed our babies to be withheld, to be taken…. Ultimately in His Sovereignty He took our babies… He took my babies… “Papa God, You took my babies!!!” that excruciating cry of my heart would take years to erupt through the surface of that pain, along with the tears, the many bitter tears that would finally fully come to shore crashing hard against the coastline of those lost hopes and dreams. My unfinished memories, griefs and losses and all the betrayals only to be washed back out in to the Peaceful seas of His Great Love and Compassionate Understanding, leaving me beached on the warm softness of His Hand. The verse in Isaiah 41:10 was never more real and true for me, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.”

The Lord would and continues to minister His love to Peter and I and comfort our hearts in the quiet tender way He does and we need Him to do. He is the One to Bind our wounds and Heal our broken hearts. His Word would be the Balm that would soothe the burns that the fiery afflictions would leave and rebuild the areas that had been breached. Holy Spirit would quench the thirsty and dry places in our souls desperate for more of Him to fill every empty place left from the bombardments rocking us to our core.

After the losses that year Pumpkin was closer to me than ever and often slept by my side especially when Peter was away. Gideon would be as close and communicative as he could be, showing empathy to my voiceless cries. It seemed he would do them for me sometimes and then put his paw on my foot or arm while giving me that intense big eye gaze of his. Kaiyah, my friend, would continue being her sweet gentle self taking me for walks, getting friskity out of the blue, going on snow bounding romps, and trying to get me to engage in play. When I would, it was good for the soul. She laid by my feet more often and those liftie paws of hers would pop up when I would sit in extended silences swimming through the troubled waters of my heart. She had known troubled waters all too well herself...

There was a new depth of painful silence in our home and yet the loving bonds in our little furmily and between Peter and I would be loud and strong as the healing would very slowly begin. Our babies will ever be in our remembrance and as they sleep awaiting the coming of the Lord. We look forward to the day He reunites our family together with Him in the air. We will tightly hold and bountifully share the beautiful promise found in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:

“But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God Bring with Him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”

…Until we meet again…