Chapter 32 – Solo

God Deals Bountifully

Psalm 139:1-4

“(To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.) O LORD, Thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, Thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, Thou knowest it altogether.”

Psalm 143:1-7

“(Maschil of David; A Prayer when he was in the cave.) I cried unto the LORD with my voice; with my voice unto the LORD did I make my supplication. I poured out my complaint before Him; I shewed before Him my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then Thou knewest my path. In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me. I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul. I cried unto Thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living. Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low: deliver me from my persecutors; for they are stronger than I. Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Thy Name: the righteous shall compass me about; for Thou shalt deal bountifully with me.”

A strong yet gentle impression to work on my music again was softly pressing around the walls of my heart. The very thought of it felt like a burn wound that was being exposed to a heat source and sent me into a rather dizzying sense of sadness and a fatiguing pain. I had not touched my guitar in a long while and my little wind instruments only were breathed into on random moments passing by, the rest of them stayed tucked away. My Marmi’s piano quietly waited for me to sit at the keys just like it did when I was a curious little girl wanting to learn how to make it sing. I wrestled with the memories of hearing my mom’s impatience with my efforts. “Your chords are upside down,” she would say trying to correct my attempts to replicate what I would do on my guitar.

She was incredibly skilled at playing but only sat to instruct me a few times, for which I am grateful, but she didn’t seem to have the desire or patience for me. The recollections I have of her teaching my brothers, (who were both quite talented and I was genuinely glad for them), like so many other memories left me a bit torn. Those memories along with many other things reverberated with the complete and utter lack of any actual encouragement to sing and share my own music. Not once did I hear that from my Pops although he did say he liked a few of the ones he overhead me singing. And neither did Marmi, who also would listen and even learned a few songs, seemingly touched by them. Shockingly, she said something while in the hospital and on the final course of her end of life journey. I didn’t even know how to respond when it happened. But as the years from childhood would go by I continued enjoying many other instruments. Sometimes I would find a piano when no one was around and very simply pour my heart to the Lord and listen.

Every instrument I have played always came with the simple desire of wanting to learn about the instrument and its sound, but always to ultimately play to my Lord Jesus. Letting my heart, my soul “sing” with the instrument to Him was how my songs have always come…praying and worshipping Him from the depths of my soul. From a place in me where no one could meet me but Him, where I didn’t have to have all the words or understanding, where only He Knew and could Hear and we would have communion of hearts. It was in that innocent place of Loving Jesus that my music and songs have birthed and my walk with God intensified. At that time I had multiple lingering hurts that went deeply and I didn’t know if I could get to that treasured precious place anymore.

Kaiyah and the kitties were attentive little sweethearts seemingly aware of the vibrating pain that I was still processing from everything. They often joined me in my feeble attempts at working it through. Whether lying on the floor by me or hopping on the bed next to me listening, the kitties would purr and watch me through squinty eyes. Tears would come and I could hardly get a word out without my throat swelling with tears. It was extremely hard. My little pets knew what it had been like before the squalls and bombardments, the continuing disappointments and losses; when I could pour out my heart openly singing and playing with joy and freedom to my Lord and my God. I didn’t feel safe anymore and I didn’t know my purpose anymore… and that “innocence” between me and the Lord didn’t seem to be there anymore….

I communicated to a few trustworthy friends and few family members of the difficulty without much explanation. And a few became prayer partners and steady long-distance ministers of “presence” as I pressed on and through with Jesus Holding me all the way. I was overwhelmed in my spirit and knew that I could not do what He asked on my own and wasn’t sure I wanted to, everything about it hurt. It took time. Eventually one dear one would fade out of my life for unknown reasons, another sweet understanding cousin went to sleep in Jesus, and the remaining ones quietly remained. Peter was a rock of patient loving kindness ever holding my heart before the Lord and in his own tender way trying to nurture those areas back to life with the Lord’s Help. We both were trying to care for one another and to not crush or bruise and yet at times the wounds were simply too raw and sensitive. Some wounds and places of our person and memories only God can touch without adding further pain or damage.

Kaiyah walked me a lot during that process. I never really told her where to go just let her lead with her soft pull and followed. Sometimes it was a short brisk jaunt other times we would meander for about an hour or so. No matter the length or area it was just right for the day or evening. She would sometimes stop under a tree that had a critter nearby and look up at me almost as if to say, “Look, see that little thing?” Then at just the right moment she would start-up again with that gentle mush pull I had become quite sensitive to follow without thought. I often would be silently pouring my heart to the Lord and her little ministry was helping me slowly find my way through. It was a tangible expression of what I was walking through with the Lord. I needed Him to lead and to trust Him to choose the where, the when and all the rest so I could get to the place He was taking me. It was extremely hard, although, almost imperceptibly, He had begun a special work.

The Lord gave me everything that I was desperately in need of in order to obey Him and to do so with love. I chose to trust His Leading to bring Resplendent Love of the Creator into fruition and to let Him in to all that pain, fear, inadequacies, and everything else that came with it. That wasn’t my first album but was my first solo album which added another depth of pain and memories to that birthing process. There was so much complicated grief. The story around my first music album I believe is best reserved for another time.

Everything about that first solo album development, including Peter’s graphic artistry and photos, some even from our trip to Bruneau Dunes, had a directive and purpose that only Father God could have orchestrated. It was birthed totally from His Resplendent Love bringing me to Him, His Shalom, His Words Speaking over me, Him Making me Broke Free, His Resplendent Love as my Creator, Him Making me Cageless, His Ministry to my life and showing me His Transitional Elegance and that He had done all of it for me so I could choose to live all for Him. It is His Message to all of us if we are willing to listen. He Gave Himself so I could know and have the resplendent love of my Creator with new understanding and depth and to share it… unreservedly, and that was huge for me as He Knows that I am a rather very private person. He showed me that He Knew about it all way before it happened and had already prophetically given me songs, impressions, and that the sweet seeds of His Word had long been planted deep in the soil of my soul to bring new life and healing at His Appointed time. It was the Lover of my soul, Jesus, sharing His Song of Love to me while healing and delivering my life song and my voice, with more of Him and because of Him and all for Him. It was receiving His Gift so I could give Him mine.

It continues to marvel me that during my recording and editing sessions that our Kaiyah, Gideon, Pumpkin, and later in the process, our newest family member, a cockatiel named Cotton, would stay as quiet as could be. Not one sound, which is saying a lot especially for our little speaker of the house, Gideon, and the new tweeter of the house, Cotton. No one asked to go out or for treats. No one moved about. The house was stilled with a deep peace. Even the cuckoo clock was hushed. And they all seemed to enjoy the sound quality playback tests I did in a variety of ways. I have no doubt that The Lord and His faithful angels were attending to us in a special way.

That season, as one of my other songs says, was a small beginning to a brand new start for me, and as the Lord Inspires my heart it continues on as I learn, grow and live in Him. Psalm 63:3, “Because Thy loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise Thee.”

…Until we meet again…