Chapter 17 – Incomprehensible

God Comprehends Everything

Psalm 102:1

“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto Thee.”

Psalm 121:7-8

“The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: He shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.”

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

The new cadence of life routines in our home started out a bit like off-beat syncopations; we were all trying to adjust. I wasn’t quite feeling myself a month or so after our honeymoon. I figured it was all the change and just ate more healthily and kept plugging away. I noticed the animals were sitting closer. Kaiyah wanted to be by my feet which was not her norm and would look at me much more often. Pumpkin wanted in my lap. He was always a cozy kitty but he had a new baby faced determination and made himself at home whenever I was still for more than ten minutes. Gideon would find a seat next to me on the sofa or even the arm chair if he could squeeze himself into the space. Peter and I became concerned as I was just... off - all over. I reminded myself about the Goodness of God and aimed at resting in His Protective care… in addition, Peter was a man of prayer.

Another week or so went by and I decided it was time for a routine check-up. To my astonishment I discovered that Peter and I were expecting our first little baby. It was a big moment for us to absorb as we already had a lot of new to process. When the reality settled in we were both hope-filled and joyful at that blessing so early in our marriage. Kaiyah and the kitties were unbelievably attentive.

I knew in my heart Peter would make a wonderful father. He was so excited and as helpful as he could be, knowing our little one was growing within me. I sang little songs to our new budding baby and we had so much we were looking forward to… I had always wanted to be a momma since I was a very little girl. Our families were happy for us and encouraging. Although everything was so new including that sweet gift early in our marriage we knew the Lord was with us, and trusted His Timing was perfect.

It was at that same time that my friend Rachel had begun pulling away from our friendship. Accusation ensued but it was unclear to Peter and I what had happened. That was terribly disturbing to us.

Kaiyah and I seemed to have a new momma connection and her thoughtfulness showed. Whenever we walked she would stay closer than normal. She would put herself between me and the “dangers” she perceived, and would look at me with an understanding gaze. And she would offer me her special liftie paw even with Pumpkin on my lap and Gideon beside me. It was precious.

As the days progressed I felt something was off and the signs were there to alarm me. Peter and I prayed and we went to the hospital. The details of that trip can only be summed up in tragic loss.  Anyone who loses a baby knows, that no matter what the stage of development, it is shocking and can be devastating... Peter and I were both shocked and devastated. You don’t just lose a little life you want and love, you lose all the hope that comes with it. We didn’t even know how to begin to process what had happened. It would take time.

That grief attached itself to the grief I still had not dealt with regarding my dad and I couldn’t handle either at that time. And it wasn’t but a short time after that I discovered my dearest friend Rachel had officially abandoned our friendship, another devastating blow. Peter and I were at a complete loss. Our attempts to bring healing to whatever happened were returned with deafening lack of clarity... We spent a lot of time praying and attempting to sort out what we were experiencing. It was totally beyond our understanding and we knew we had to trust the Lord with all that was within us and for all that was happening to us.

Kaiyah and I often found ourselves in silent companionship. She often led the way on the trails and I poured out my heart to the Lord. She would stop on the path and look at me with those expressive eyes and I would kneel in the dust of the desert and cry on the ruff of her neck. She knew what loss and a broken heart was all about. My Lord was the Healer of broken hearts and the Binder of wounds and she was living testimony to that Truth.

Peter and I determined and strove to strengthen our walk with the Lord and in our new marriage. It was an intense time. I had a few dear friends that rose to that season of difficulty and Heavenly Father only knows what that meant to me. I didn’t even know myself. I was on overload in so many areas - including my body, but we clung to the truth that God was with us and He would not leave us in that ever increasing storm and flood and whatever evil was behind it. He was our Safety and our Peace even though we didn’t feel that way. This too would take time.

Peter’s family and my mom were great comfort and support both in prayer and in as much as they could. It was hard for all of us. The furbabies were right there with purrs, mews and a curly tail. They provided joy, pleasant soothing companionship and sweet talking points in the midst of it all. We prayed together and held on as the Lord Directed us through and preserved us from the mounting swells and crashing waves. We took our incomprehension and sorrow to our God Who comprehends everything and offered a raw simple surrendered praise, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord…” Job 1:21.

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

…Until we meet again…